I don't really have a lot weighing on my mind this week, some say that's good with such a little mind LOL, but one thing I've noticed is that my pets never fail to cheer me up. Even when they're driving me crazy.
They love me always, and even though they are cats they come when I call them (though this seems to be my special gift, all my cats have always come when I called them), and they greet me at the door when I get home. It doesn't matter if I just went to the store for soda, or if I've been gone all night for work. They are both waiting at the door for me when I get home to say hi.
When I am tired, or stressed, or in pain, they always seem to know the right thing to do. Silva is my snuggler, she will just come curl up next to me or on my chest, she always seems to know which one I need most. And Googles, Googles is my healer. I swear, whenever I'm in pain he is trying to lay his paws on me. If I have a headache, he puts his paws on my head, when its my back, he will wait til I roll onto my side or stomach and rest his paws right where the pain is.
Sometimes, especially with the headaches, the little Googles touch can make the pain go away. Even when it doesn't just knowing that he is trying always makes me feel better.
The great thing about pets is they love you no matter what. If I'm cranky and push them away they just come back in a few minutes, still full of love, never mad, never holding a grudge.
And they have been priceless to me in some of my down times when the idea of buying a bottle has seemed pretty appealing. They just know I'm in a bad place and curl up next to me purring. Googles even stops picking on his much older and much smaller sister when I'm that down and will even just curl up next to her. Silva lets him do this without hissing, but only at those times that they know I need double kitty understanding.
So today, my little friends get a shout out and their due credit for helping me stay sober and for helping to keep me as sane as possible. You can't blame them for my insanity-they're only 2 little cats, though they try!lol
Blessed Be!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
F for Fate-Pagan Blog Project
I think this has always been one of the big issues in any belief system. What is meant to be and what do we have free choice over?
I remember as a child, attending Catholic religious education classes, being asked what God did and saying that He ruled and controlled all the activities in the world. I was very young, 7 or 8, and my teacher told me that was wrong, that we have free will. This teacher could not explain, however, if we have free will, then why does everything follow God's plan? Looking back, it was probably when I really began to question my early childhood faith.
Since then, I've wondered about this question often. I know there are some things in life that simply are and that do not change. I was born an alcoholic and I will always be one. I was also born short, always gonna be that too!! Therefore, I have to believe some things are fated in life and it is our response to those things that we determine.
For example, John Walsh was fated to lose his son Adam. He lost him to an abduction and murder and he became an anti-crime crusader. Had he lost the child to a drunk driver, it may have been him behind the anti-drunk driving movement founded by Candy Lightner. Likewise, Ms Lightner was fated to lose her child, Cari. Had she lost the child in another way, she would have become an advocate for that cause. The examples are endless, especially when it is parents motivated by the loss of a child.
Please understand everything in this blog is MY belief only. I am by no means saying that anyone deserves to lose a child, I am merely saying that sometimes things are meant to be, through no fault of our own.
What we have control over is how we respond to these things. In both of these, and in countless other examples, the parents rose above their grief and tried to better the world. Others retreat into grief, while still others find a way to carry on with their daily lives and that is enough. Sometimes, the examples set by someone, no matter how good or bad, can influence someone else greatly.
A person suffering from severe depression, thinking of suicide, who gets treatment after watching a parent go on after losing a child. A niece or nephew who watches a relative fall apart in grief and never recover, who goes on to become a psychiatrist and help others deal with their emotional issues.
Of course, fate plays out on a large scale too. Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, September 11th, I firmly believe all these events and so many others, were meant to happen. Again, it is the response to these events that we have control over and that we should attempt to influence to their best possible outcome.
Pearl Harbor led the U.S. to join WW2 and help defeat the Axis nations, overall a good thing. The Holocaust led to Israel becoming a country, a good thing, but it has not led to the end of genocide.
As Pagans we have a much better understanding of the interconnectedness of the world than most people do. We understand how all things work together, often in unseen ways and that disturbing or destroying any one thing influences us all.
My belief is that we should not tilt at the windmills of fate, but there is nothing that says we can't find a way around them. We can't stop someone from getting sick, and we may not always be able to heal them. But we can most certainly make their illness less debilitating, diminish their pain, and give them moments of comfort, sometimes even joy.
That to me is where being Pagan meets Fate: I can't beat Fate but I can do a nice end run and make things at least a little better than they would have been without me.
I remember as a child, attending Catholic religious education classes, being asked what God did and saying that He ruled and controlled all the activities in the world. I was very young, 7 or 8, and my teacher told me that was wrong, that we have free will. This teacher could not explain, however, if we have free will, then why does everything follow God's plan? Looking back, it was probably when I really began to question my early childhood faith.
Since then, I've wondered about this question often. I know there are some things in life that simply are and that do not change. I was born an alcoholic and I will always be one. I was also born short, always gonna be that too!! Therefore, I have to believe some things are fated in life and it is our response to those things that we determine.
For example, John Walsh was fated to lose his son Adam. He lost him to an abduction and murder and he became an anti-crime crusader. Had he lost the child to a drunk driver, it may have been him behind the anti-drunk driving movement founded by Candy Lightner. Likewise, Ms Lightner was fated to lose her child, Cari. Had she lost the child in another way, she would have become an advocate for that cause. The examples are endless, especially when it is parents motivated by the loss of a child.
Please understand everything in this blog is MY belief only. I am by no means saying that anyone deserves to lose a child, I am merely saying that sometimes things are meant to be, through no fault of our own.
What we have control over is how we respond to these things. In both of these, and in countless other examples, the parents rose above their grief and tried to better the world. Others retreat into grief, while still others find a way to carry on with their daily lives and that is enough. Sometimes, the examples set by someone, no matter how good or bad, can influence someone else greatly.
A person suffering from severe depression, thinking of suicide, who gets treatment after watching a parent go on after losing a child. A niece or nephew who watches a relative fall apart in grief and never recover, who goes on to become a psychiatrist and help others deal with their emotional issues.
Of course, fate plays out on a large scale too. Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, September 11th, I firmly believe all these events and so many others, were meant to happen. Again, it is the response to these events that we have control over and that we should attempt to influence to their best possible outcome.
Pearl Harbor led the U.S. to join WW2 and help defeat the Axis nations, overall a good thing. The Holocaust led to Israel becoming a country, a good thing, but it has not led to the end of genocide.
As Pagans we have a much better understanding of the interconnectedness of the world than most people do. We understand how all things work together, often in unseen ways and that disturbing or destroying any one thing influences us all.
My belief is that we should not tilt at the windmills of fate, but there is nothing that says we can't find a way around them. We can't stop someone from getting sick, and we may not always be able to heal them. But we can most certainly make their illness less debilitating, diminish their pain, and give them moments of comfort, sometimes even joy.
That to me is where being Pagan meets Fate: I can't beat Fate but I can do a nice end run and make things at least a little better than they would have been without me.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Flexibility
One thing I've gotten very good at in sobriety is rolling with the punches. Very frequently, life does not go my way. That's okay, it doesn't have to, and I really, really get that now!
Life not going my way was never really an excuse for me to drink. I may have occasionally paid it lip service but most of the time I was honest enough about my drinking to know that it was because I'm a drunk and for no other reason that I drank. I wanted to not exist, and if I drank enough I blacked out and/or passed out which was as close as I could get to not existing.
I have since realized though, that even though I knew it wasn't all about me when I was drinking, I didn't really get it. I would say I understood, but inside, I was upset. I knew in my head that when things didn't go my way, that was because sometimes things happened or changed, but in my heart, it was because I didn't deserve things to go well.
If a doctor ran late for an appointment, though in my head I knew he probably was held up by an emergency with another patient, in my heart, it was because NOTHING ever went right for poor, poor little me. If I couldn't find something I was looking for at the store, or if they had sold out, sure enough, it was because NOTHING ever went right for poor, poor little me. You get the idea.
Now, I really did know in my head that none of it was about me, but in my heart, it was all poor, pitiful me, who nothing ever went right for.
These days, I am very happy to say that I am pretty much over that. Now when someone is running late, when I can't find the color yarn I want at the store, when my relief is late for work, I just accept that sometimes these things happen. And I'm not just accepting it in my head, I am totally accepting it in my heart too. It doesn't even cross my mind these days that its happening to poor, poor me.
Now don't get me wrong, I may still get flashes of irritation with some things, especially if it is a recurring issue. But even then I try to understand the flip side. If someone is always late relieving me at work, I'm not as upset if I know they are just always late and its not only when I work.
One friend is always willing to help me out with rides but constantly changes things after committing. I have come to accept that this is simply the way this person is, and I am grateful for the help that they can give me.
I have learned to always have back up plans with this person, so that if we can't run all the errands I had planned on, I can at least get the most necessary things done.
I realize that everyone has commitments and opportunities that come up and sometimes we all change plans to accommodate these things. It is truly refreshing though to realize that even when things don't go my way, I'm still NO'T poor, poor little me. I am a strong woman and a recovering alcoholic and I can handle a few bumps in the road of my life with scarcely a blink!
Blessed Be!
Life not going my way was never really an excuse for me to drink. I may have occasionally paid it lip service but most of the time I was honest enough about my drinking to know that it was because I'm a drunk and for no other reason that I drank. I wanted to not exist, and if I drank enough I blacked out and/or passed out which was as close as I could get to not existing.
I have since realized though, that even though I knew it wasn't all about me when I was drinking, I didn't really get it. I would say I understood, but inside, I was upset. I knew in my head that when things didn't go my way, that was because sometimes things happened or changed, but in my heart, it was because I didn't deserve things to go well.
If a doctor ran late for an appointment, though in my head I knew he probably was held up by an emergency with another patient, in my heart, it was because NOTHING ever went right for poor, poor little me. If I couldn't find something I was looking for at the store, or if they had sold out, sure enough, it was because NOTHING ever went right for poor, poor little me. You get the idea.
Now, I really did know in my head that none of it was about me, but in my heart, it was all poor, pitiful me, who nothing ever went right for.
These days, I am very happy to say that I am pretty much over that. Now when someone is running late, when I can't find the color yarn I want at the store, when my relief is late for work, I just accept that sometimes these things happen. And I'm not just accepting it in my head, I am totally accepting it in my heart too. It doesn't even cross my mind these days that its happening to poor, poor me.
Now don't get me wrong, I may still get flashes of irritation with some things, especially if it is a recurring issue. But even then I try to understand the flip side. If someone is always late relieving me at work, I'm not as upset if I know they are just always late and its not only when I work.
One friend is always willing to help me out with rides but constantly changes things after committing. I have come to accept that this is simply the way this person is, and I am grateful for the help that they can give me.
I have learned to always have back up plans with this person, so that if we can't run all the errands I had planned on, I can at least get the most necessary things done.
I realize that everyone has commitments and opportunities that come up and sometimes we all change plans to accommodate these things. It is truly refreshing though to realize that even when things don't go my way, I'm still NO'T poor, poor little me. I am a strong woman and a recovering alcoholic and I can handle a few bumps in the road of my life with scarcely a blink!
Blessed Be!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Staying in the Moment
Oh, is this ever something I have trouble with. I am so forward-focused, future-oriented, whatever term you want to use, that I really have to make an effort to live in the now. Ok, I may never live in the now, but I try to at least visit it several times a day.
Part of this is just who I am, and I gladly accept that. But I also know that part of this comes from my disease. As an alcoholic I drank to escape from my depression and my everyday reality. Focusing exclusively on the future, or the past, is another way of doing the same thing.
The trick, as always, is keeping things in balance. Its perfectly acceptable, and even fun sometimes, to reminisce about the past. Listening to the oldies station on the radio, having your favorite songs from when you were growing up on your MP3 player, having a movie or TV marathon of your favorite shows and movies is great.
So is planning for the future. Financial planning, estate planning, budgeting, these are all forward or future focused activities that are perfectly acceptable, even desirable. In fact, I've returned to college and am always planning ahead to make sure I can afford my classes and for scheduling my classes so that I can work, run my business, practice my craft, sleep, maintain my health and still do well in school. Okay, maybe with all that on my plate focusing on the future makes more sense. LOL
The problem is staying that focused on the future, or the past for that matter, deprives us of the present. And that, really, is all we can be sure of having. We can never be sure of what the future holds, we can never truly go back to the past, but we always have the here and now.
I've worked hard to get sober and to get where I am in life. I'm not really where I want to be yet, but I'm getting there. I just need to remember to enjoy the journey and not just focus on the destination. And to enjoy where I am; its a pretty good place all on its own. But compare it to where I was 4 years ago, and its a phenomenal place.
I spend time every day playing with and snuggling with my cats. Nothing will bring me into the present and keep me here like having a little bundle of fur make me his/her whole world. All they ask for is food, clean litter, and love. In return, they love me no matter my mood-Silva even lies with me while I balance my chakras and balances her own at the same time.
I also make a point of enjoying the trees and plants I see every day. I don't drive, so I walk a lot, and that does make it safer to truly focus on the trees and plants growing all over, even in the city. While I'm walking, I try very hard to enjoy the weather. I live in upstate NY so it can be a struggle to enjoy the 20 degree days with high winds, or the mile plus walk to work with the wind blowing snow or rain in my face. But those are the times I truly am focused on the now, even if it is sometimes with a grumbling in my soul.
I've found that the more I focus on the little things, even if only for a moment or two during the day, the calmer and happier I am, and the more I enjoy my life as it is now. I take my pleasures where I can: a favorite TV show, a beautiful sunset, a few minutes with the cats, I just make sure to take a few of these moments every day.
I know enjoying what I have now, even as I plan for what I want in the future, is one of the keys to staying sober and enjoying that hard-won sobriety.
Blessed Be!
Part of this is just who I am, and I gladly accept that. But I also know that part of this comes from my disease. As an alcoholic I drank to escape from my depression and my everyday reality. Focusing exclusively on the future, or the past, is another way of doing the same thing.
The trick, as always, is keeping things in balance. Its perfectly acceptable, and even fun sometimes, to reminisce about the past. Listening to the oldies station on the radio, having your favorite songs from when you were growing up on your MP3 player, having a movie or TV marathon of your favorite shows and movies is great.
So is planning for the future. Financial planning, estate planning, budgeting, these are all forward or future focused activities that are perfectly acceptable, even desirable. In fact, I've returned to college and am always planning ahead to make sure I can afford my classes and for scheduling my classes so that I can work, run my business, practice my craft, sleep, maintain my health and still do well in school. Okay, maybe with all that on my plate focusing on the future makes more sense. LOL
The problem is staying that focused on the future, or the past for that matter, deprives us of the present. And that, really, is all we can be sure of having. We can never be sure of what the future holds, we can never truly go back to the past, but we always have the here and now.
I've worked hard to get sober and to get where I am in life. I'm not really where I want to be yet, but I'm getting there. I just need to remember to enjoy the journey and not just focus on the destination. And to enjoy where I am; its a pretty good place all on its own. But compare it to where I was 4 years ago, and its a phenomenal place.
I spend time every day playing with and snuggling with my cats. Nothing will bring me into the present and keep me here like having a little bundle of fur make me his/her whole world. All they ask for is food, clean litter, and love. In return, they love me no matter my mood-Silva even lies with me while I balance my chakras and balances her own at the same time.
I also make a point of enjoying the trees and plants I see every day. I don't drive, so I walk a lot, and that does make it safer to truly focus on the trees and plants growing all over, even in the city. While I'm walking, I try very hard to enjoy the weather. I live in upstate NY so it can be a struggle to enjoy the 20 degree days with high winds, or the mile plus walk to work with the wind blowing snow or rain in my face. But those are the times I truly am focused on the now, even if it is sometimes with a grumbling in my soul.
I've found that the more I focus on the little things, even if only for a moment or two during the day, the calmer and happier I am, and the more I enjoy my life as it is now. I take my pleasures where I can: a favorite TV show, a beautiful sunset, a few minutes with the cats, I just make sure to take a few of these moments every day.
I know enjoying what I have now, even as I plan for what I want in the future, is one of the keys to staying sober and enjoying that hard-won sobriety.
Blessed Be!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Changes
One thing I have found in my sobriety is that I change, and therefore what helps me to stay sober changes.
When I first got sober, and I know this is very common for people in recovery, especially early recovery, I tried to work all the time. Now admittedly, part of this is for the money, but most of it is because work keeps you busy both physically and mentally.
You have less time to think and less time to do things that can lead you back into your addiction.
Of course, the downside of this is that many of us are just substituting one addiction for another. I know that has been something I've done in the past.
This time being sober though, its different. I at first worked a lot, both for the money and to stay busy, but I started to find that just working wasn';t cutting it for me this time.
I really needed to have other things going on: taking classes, spending more time working on my spirituality, hanging out with friends ( I am really a loner at heart so making time for people is always a challenge for me), just other things besides work and sleep.
One of my big interests has always been TV and movies so my one indulgence for myself was satellite TV with the everything package.
Now that I have almost 4 years sober, I have found I am more interested in doing other things. I just cut my satellite package to a basic programming with 2 add-ons HBO and Encore movies. I have also given up some of my work hours. That was as much of a health issue as a personal issue.
Fortunately I can afford to cut my work hours because as I've developed a closer relationship with my guides, they have pointed me toward doing psychic readings. I do these through www.keen.com/HelpfulTeresa . I know I've been led to do these readings more to help people than to make money, but the extra money has given me at least a little financial freedom.
Though I do make decent money, I have found that when I am more focused on helping people than on bringing in money, the money takes care of itself. Thank-you Goddess!!
I know that I was led to this path not only to help others but to help myself. The extra money is paying for me to return to school, is going to be paying for me to move, probably this summer, to someplace large enough that I can do more crafting and cooking, something very difficult to do in my kitchen with no counter space, and I mean NO counter space.
I know that it is doing these things, the readings, the crafts, the classes both mundane and magickal, that are helping me to stay sober now. Actually, more than those things its my spiritual connection and having time to really develop that connection, that is helping me to stay sober now.
So in my nearly 4 years sober, I have changed from staying sober because I was living in a very supportive environment, a halfway house, to because I worked all the time, to now, because my spirituality is leading me in other directions.
It should be interesting to see what happens next. Though I do know that next up, now that my work hours are officially reduced, is working on starting a Pagan Sobriety Group. I will be posting more on that as I know more.
Blessed Be!
When I first got sober, and I know this is very common for people in recovery, especially early recovery, I tried to work all the time. Now admittedly, part of this is for the money, but most of it is because work keeps you busy both physically and mentally.
You have less time to think and less time to do things that can lead you back into your addiction.
Of course, the downside of this is that many of us are just substituting one addiction for another. I know that has been something I've done in the past.
This time being sober though, its different. I at first worked a lot, both for the money and to stay busy, but I started to find that just working wasn';t cutting it for me this time.
I really needed to have other things going on: taking classes, spending more time working on my spirituality, hanging out with friends ( I am really a loner at heart so making time for people is always a challenge for me), just other things besides work and sleep.
One of my big interests has always been TV and movies so my one indulgence for myself was satellite TV with the everything package.
Now that I have almost 4 years sober, I have found I am more interested in doing other things. I just cut my satellite package to a basic programming with 2 add-ons HBO and Encore movies. I have also given up some of my work hours. That was as much of a health issue as a personal issue.
Fortunately I can afford to cut my work hours because as I've developed a closer relationship with my guides, they have pointed me toward doing psychic readings. I do these through www.keen.com/HelpfulTeresa . I know I've been led to do these readings more to help people than to make money, but the extra money has given me at least a little financial freedom.
Though I do make decent money, I have found that when I am more focused on helping people than on bringing in money, the money takes care of itself. Thank-you Goddess!!
I know that I was led to this path not only to help others but to help myself. The extra money is paying for me to return to school, is going to be paying for me to move, probably this summer, to someplace large enough that I can do more crafting and cooking, something very difficult to do in my kitchen with no counter space, and I mean NO counter space.
I know that it is doing these things, the readings, the crafts, the classes both mundane and magickal, that are helping me to stay sober now. Actually, more than those things its my spiritual connection and having time to really develop that connection, that is helping me to stay sober now.
So in my nearly 4 years sober, I have changed from staying sober because I was living in a very supportive environment, a halfway house, to because I worked all the time, to now, because my spirituality is leading me in other directions.
It should be interesting to see what happens next. Though I do know that next up, now that my work hours are officially reduced, is working on starting a Pagan Sobriety Group. I will be posting more on that as I know more.
Blessed Be!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
E for Elements-Pagan Blog Project
For my E post I was intending to write about the elements and how they are manifested in our bodies and spirits, but I had an unexpected energy working that involved the elements, so this post has evolved to focus on just the elements of Fire and Air, with some Spirit, and the energy working.
I have been reading "Druidry and Meditation" by Nimue Brown. I received a copy from the publisher with the agreement that I publish a review of the book, that'll be tomorrow's post. One of the sections that really caught my attention was focused on working with the elements as they are manifested in our bodies.
Obviously Earth is our physical bodies, our skin, bones, minerals, tissues, etc. Water is our blood, our fluids, most of our physical being in fact. Fire is basically all the chemical reactions in our bodies, digestion, healing, all of the processes that keep us going. Air is our thoughts, our feelings and just as vital to our existence as any of the other elements. Spirit of course ties it all together in a not so neat kind of bow. Please keep in mind, these are my interpretations of how the elements apply to our bodies, although my interpretation was influenced by "Druidry and Meditation" these are my beliefs only.
Today I am focusing on Fire and Air because this is where my unexpected energy working came in. I have a 17+ year old cat, Silva. I love her with all my heart. She came to me approximately 2 1/2 years ago from a very nice couple that could no longer keep her. At the age of 15, her very first night with me, she caught a mouse. She then spent the rest of the night tossing the mouse up in the air and catching it, while she was standing on my bed. I am sure she did this just to hear me go "Eek" and watch me pull the covers over my head. This cat had some Spirit for an old lady!
That was 2+ years ago and Silva is getting older and beginning to have some health issues. Last week she just totally withdrew, not eating or drinking that I could tell. She also did not come to lay with me when I was in bed. Silva, lately, has been the cling-on kitty. She is on my lap when I'm on the computer or doing tarot readings. I wake up from naps and she is laying right on top of me or snuggled right next to me, so her just laying in front of the radiator was very disheartening. It was even worse when she wouldn't come to me when I called her. Yes, she's a cat, but she has always come to me when I called her. That's just a gift I seem to have with my cats.
This started on Thursday and was no better when I got home from work on Friday. So, I bit the bullet and did a ritual asking Bast to let her pass painlessly and quickly if it was her time and if it wasn't to give me a sign that she needed to see the vet, or to just bring her back to herself. I then picked up Silva, and laid down with her, so that if she were to pass, she would go knowing that she was surrounded by my love. (Bawling like a baby the whole time, of course.)
As I laid there petting her my left arm began going numb. There was no reason for this, no uncomfortable position or pressure or anything. Then I noticed that my arm felt like it was shutting down almost. And then Silva began looking at me with her full, bright eyes instead of her little half-closed eyes. Then she began to stretch out as if she were trying to get comfortable. This went on for about half an hour where I could feel the Fire and energy from my arm just pass through my body and into Silva's. This whole time I could feel Silva have little tremors and see her eyes become brighter and i watched her stretch and rearrange herself into her usual comfy position laying across my neck. (Comfy for one of us anyway, but I was too happy to care!) I so clearly felt Bast working with my energy, and using my Air and my focus to make Silva well for at least a little while longer.
Today, Silva is back to her normal self, she eats and drinks and clings to her Mommy!! I know this won't last forever but I am very grateful that the Goddess chose to show me such a clear manifestation of the elements in my body and what they can do, and to give us this extra time together.
I am actually working a daily focusing on my body and its elements into my mediation so that I can keep these channels open and strong. Goddess only knows what I may be able to manifest next!
Blessed Be!
I have been reading "Druidry and Meditation" by Nimue Brown. I received a copy from the publisher with the agreement that I publish a review of the book, that'll be tomorrow's post. One of the sections that really caught my attention was focused on working with the elements as they are manifested in our bodies.
Obviously Earth is our physical bodies, our skin, bones, minerals, tissues, etc. Water is our blood, our fluids, most of our physical being in fact. Fire is basically all the chemical reactions in our bodies, digestion, healing, all of the processes that keep us going. Air is our thoughts, our feelings and just as vital to our existence as any of the other elements. Spirit of course ties it all together in a not so neat kind of bow. Please keep in mind, these are my interpretations of how the elements apply to our bodies, although my interpretation was influenced by "Druidry and Meditation" these are my beliefs only.
Today I am focusing on Fire and Air because this is where my unexpected energy working came in. I have a 17+ year old cat, Silva. I love her with all my heart. She came to me approximately 2 1/2 years ago from a very nice couple that could no longer keep her. At the age of 15, her very first night with me, she caught a mouse. She then spent the rest of the night tossing the mouse up in the air and catching it, while she was standing on my bed. I am sure she did this just to hear me go "Eek" and watch me pull the covers over my head. This cat had some Spirit for an old lady!
That was 2+ years ago and Silva is getting older and beginning to have some health issues. Last week she just totally withdrew, not eating or drinking that I could tell. She also did not come to lay with me when I was in bed. Silva, lately, has been the cling-on kitty. She is on my lap when I'm on the computer or doing tarot readings. I wake up from naps and she is laying right on top of me or snuggled right next to me, so her just laying in front of the radiator was very disheartening. It was even worse when she wouldn't come to me when I called her. Yes, she's a cat, but she has always come to me when I called her. That's just a gift I seem to have with my cats.
This started on Thursday and was no better when I got home from work on Friday. So, I bit the bullet and did a ritual asking Bast to let her pass painlessly and quickly if it was her time and if it wasn't to give me a sign that she needed to see the vet, or to just bring her back to herself. I then picked up Silva, and laid down with her, so that if she were to pass, she would go knowing that she was surrounded by my love. (Bawling like a baby the whole time, of course.)
As I laid there petting her my left arm began going numb. There was no reason for this, no uncomfortable position or pressure or anything. Then I noticed that my arm felt like it was shutting down almost. And then Silva began looking at me with her full, bright eyes instead of her little half-closed eyes. Then she began to stretch out as if she were trying to get comfortable. This went on for about half an hour where I could feel the Fire and energy from my arm just pass through my body and into Silva's. This whole time I could feel Silva have little tremors and see her eyes become brighter and i watched her stretch and rearrange herself into her usual comfy position laying across my neck. (Comfy for one of us anyway, but I was too happy to care!) I so clearly felt Bast working with my energy, and using my Air and my focus to make Silva well for at least a little while longer.
Today, Silva is back to her normal self, she eats and drinks and clings to her Mommy!! I know this won't last forever but I am very grateful that the Goddess chose to show me such a clear manifestation of the elements in my body and what they can do, and to give us this extra time together.
I am actually working a daily focusing on my body and its elements into my mediation so that I can keep these channels open and strong. Goddess only knows what I may be able to manifest next!
Blessed Be!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Daily Struggles
Lately, I seem to be struggling a lot. Not necessarily to stay sober, drinking hasn't really been on the front burner as an option, but just in getting through some days.
I have found myself more often lately reverting back to what I consider my drinking mindset. You know the one, where every time something doesn't go your way, or someone says something remotely negative to you, its because the whole world is wrong and just trying to annoy you!!
Fortunately, I still have plenty of self-awareness and I know that I am being totally unreasonable when I have these thoughts.. Doesn't stop me from having them, but it at least keeps me from acting on them. Though I did frequently give in to the urge to just stare mindlessly at the TV or to read some total fluff novels instead of cooking, crafting, cleaning, meditating, grounding, talking to someone, you know, all those productive things that would have helped me feel better also. And would have helped me feel better a lot longer than just losing myself in a story. (On the plus side I got several books read for the Pagan Reading Challenge!)
And not acting on these thoughts is probably most of the reason why there were no posts last week. Instead of doing something to get rid of the negativity ( I know bad, bad pagan~ no grounding, no meditating) I just kept stuffing it, and ended up with a migraine for most of the week. I barely made it to my full-time job. Doing anything beyond that and laying in bed all week, I was just in too much pain for.
By Friday, I was brought back to reality in that it SO is not all about me. I have a 17+ year old cat, Silva. She is my love and has been having some old age health issues. I really thought I was losing her at the end of last week and that grief was apparently cathartic. My concern, love and grief for her not only purged my migraine but also my mindset.
Beginning this weekend, I have found myself much more energized and focused, without that restless feeling, that nonstop irritability, and sense of impending doom that was making my days so hard to get through. I started cooking some of the food I had put in the freezer because it was too much trouble to cook. Cooking has always been very relaxing for me, it is probably my favorite way to ground myself.
Now, in the spirit of what has worked so far in keeping me sober, last week is last week. This is a whole new week and a whole new opportunity to do better. I will spend more time with friends, even if only by phone or Facebook, I will meditate and ground at least daily, I will do what I have to do (cleaning my apartment) and what I love to do (more cooking and crafting). Basically I will live my life with more balance, at least until the next time.
By the way, Silva is doing much better and is actually the focus of my very late E post for the Pagan Blog Project. That will post tomorrow.
Blessed Be!
I have found myself more often lately reverting back to what I consider my drinking mindset. You know the one, where every time something doesn't go your way, or someone says something remotely negative to you, its because the whole world is wrong and just trying to annoy you!!
Fortunately, I still have plenty of self-awareness and I know that I am being totally unreasonable when I have these thoughts.. Doesn't stop me from having them, but it at least keeps me from acting on them. Though I did frequently give in to the urge to just stare mindlessly at the TV or to read some total fluff novels instead of cooking, crafting, cleaning, meditating, grounding, talking to someone, you know, all those productive things that would have helped me feel better also. And would have helped me feel better a lot longer than just losing myself in a story. (On the plus side I got several books read for the Pagan Reading Challenge!)
And not acting on these thoughts is probably most of the reason why there were no posts last week. Instead of doing something to get rid of the negativity ( I know bad, bad pagan~ no grounding, no meditating) I just kept stuffing it, and ended up with a migraine for most of the week. I barely made it to my full-time job. Doing anything beyond that and laying in bed all week, I was just in too much pain for.
By Friday, I was brought back to reality in that it SO is not all about me. I have a 17+ year old cat, Silva. She is my love and has been having some old age health issues. I really thought I was losing her at the end of last week and that grief was apparently cathartic. My concern, love and grief for her not only purged my migraine but also my mindset.
Beginning this weekend, I have found myself much more energized and focused, without that restless feeling, that nonstop irritability, and sense of impending doom that was making my days so hard to get through. I started cooking some of the food I had put in the freezer because it was too much trouble to cook. Cooking has always been very relaxing for me, it is probably my favorite way to ground myself.
Now, in the spirit of what has worked so far in keeping me sober, last week is last week. This is a whole new week and a whole new opportunity to do better. I will spend more time with friends, even if only by phone or Facebook, I will meditate and ground at least daily, I will do what I have to do (cleaning my apartment) and what I love to do (more cooking and crafting). Basically I will live my life with more balance, at least until the next time.
By the way, Silva is doing much better and is actually the focus of my very late E post for the Pagan Blog Project. That will post tomorrow.
Blessed Be!
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