Flexibility

Lately, I have been finding flexibility, especially in my attitude, to be invaluable in my sobriety.

It really doesn't do any good to be too firm in my goals or expectations.  I've found that just being open to what comes my way and accepting it gives me far more peace of mind than if I truly plan on something happening and am disappointed when it doesn't work out.

Over the past couple of weeks I had looked into the idea of starting a local Pagan Support Group.  I really didn't hear from very many people that were interested but I decided to have a first meeting just to see who might show up anyway.  One person said they couldn't make it due to illness and no one else showed up.

At one time, I would have taken this very personally and felt hurt for weeks.  Last Friday, I was strangely relieved.  I have my full-time job, I'm still building my psychic business, I would like to move by the end of the summer, I'm taking 3 correspondence courses and I return to school at the end of May.  Somehow,  I knew that the lack of interest was just the Goddess' way of letting me know I have enough on my plate right now.

She was not done with me yet though.  Apparently, she felt another lesson in flexibility was required.  I have been looking forward to returning to school full time over the summer.  I was planning on taking mainly online classes and pulling 14 credit hours.  This is not meant to be!!LOL

My apartment building has a very high turnover and several of the newer tenants fight often, and vocally, and in the common areas so everyone hears them.  Now, lately they've been fighting more frequently!! Mornings, afternoons, evenings, even later at nite!  Frequently!! I do sleep afternoons and frequently their arguing will wake me up.  Have I mentioned they fight frequently?!!

So on Thursday, after being awoken yet again, I decided it was time to change my priorities.  I am still returning to school in the summer, but instead of taking 5 on line classes, I'm taking 2.  I have rearranged my fall schedule to include more online classes and less class time, also taking one less class so that I can free up some school money to use to relocate sooner.

Not so very long ago, having to change things like this would have made me feel like a failure.  I would have very much felt like I should have just been able to work even more hours and come up with the extra money to move sooner while maintaining the class load I had wanted to take.  Even a year ago, I would have tried to do it all, instead of just adjusting my priorities.

Last year, I still felt like I had to do everything and do it now.   Fortunately, as my sober time increases my perspective keeps changing.  Everything doesn't have to be done right now.  I'll still be back in school for the summer, going part time is fine.  Its the fact that I'm going, not how many credit hours I take that is important.  If I decide to cut my fall hours to part time to accommodate other interests,  that'll be okay too.

I just have to be open to what comes my way and know that everything will work out as its meant to.  The Goddesses and Gods are there to help and support me, both on the journey I would like to take, and on the one that I am meant to take!!

Blessed Be!

Self-Improvement

This is something I struggle with daily.  There are so many things about myself that I would like to work on, become better at, learn about, whatever and just not enough hours in the day. Worse yet, there is no spell to add hours to the day!!

I am always trying to do the mundane things: exercise more, eat better, clean my apartment daily, meditate daily, daily ritual.  The problem is time.  I work a very nearly full-time job, I'm still working on building up my tarot readings, I don't drive so that's an extra 3.5 hours on every shift I work in the office instead of at home plus extra time for errands, I go back to school full-time the end of the summer, and I have to make a special effort to spend time with people outside of work because I am great at isolating myself.

I've always been a loner, even as a child I was very happy shut up in my room reading rather than being outside playing with friends.  Now this probably has a lot to do with the fact that my depression most likely dates back to childhood but preferring to be alone has always been a big part of me.

So, I make an effort to reach out every day and spend at least some time with people that I'm  not dealing with as part of work.  Many days its just spending the time before my shift starts at work chatting with coworkers instead of reading or just walking outside to avoid being with people.  Some days it means forcing myself to leave my apartment, even if I just go to the store and pick up a newspaper or bottle of soda.

I actually do like the people I choose to spend time with, that's why I chose them, but it is frequently still an effort to not just hide away when I'm not working.  Making this effort every day, and spending time with other people has gotten easier for me over the months and years I've been doing it. 

I have been feeling very drained lately and I know that it is because I have been neglecting myself in other matters.  So, beginning today I start working on some of my other self-improvement goals.

Daily meditation, daily exercise, eating better and remembering to take my vitamins are all on the top of the list.  I'm hoping if I make these things a priority instead of a when I think of it, if I have time at that moment, kind of priority then I will have not just more energy but will feel better about myself.

I know when I force myself out of the house, frequently kicking and screaming mentally, I always feel better for it; so I'm hoping these things work the same way.  And ok, I'm also hoping the daily exercise part means I can wear skimpy tops all summer without any possibility of a gut or even a muffin-top.

We'll see what happens!

Blessed Be!

Support Groups

I've been doing a lot of thinking about support groups lately.  I had been tossing around the idea of starting a local pagan support group and now have the extra time in my schedule to do that. 

I know  a lot of pagans really aren't comfortable at AA with their focus on a "higher power" that really fits the Judeo-Christian idea of a higher power.  I am one of those people who just couldn't seem to fit in with the AA people at the meetings I tried.  I just didn't feel like my beliefs were accepted and valued as were the more mainstream beliefs.

I also tried Save Our Sobriety where I felt much more comfortable.  This is a sober support group for atheists and agnostics basically.  They try to do sober without any reference to a higher power.  I was more comfortable here than at AA, I didn't feel like an outsider at the SOS meetings, but I did want someplace where it was acceptable to talk about my faith and its role in my sobriety.

So what I am hoping to do, is start up a Pagan Support Group that is a combination of the best of both of these programs.  Since so many people who suffer from substance abuse issues also have some type of mental or emotional imbalance I want those who feel that is their primary issue to feel welcome.  There are also many who have suffered from abuse, I want them to feel welcome also.

I'm hoping to establish a group that is there to support people trying to get better, regardless of their tradition or even whether or not they actively practice.  I really would like a group that will help us to help ourselves without judging or preaching at each other; one that is not a meat market, one that people don't use just as a place to come dump how unhappy they are even though they're not really trying to change.  I know, a certain amount of that is bound to happen, but hopefully very little.

Our first meeting is tonite, just so I can see how many people are interested and what type of group everyone else is looking for.  Goddess willing, we'll all be able to help each other and give each other strength.

Blessed Be!

That would be the ideal.  Now if we can just start a group like that

2012 Pagan Reading Challenge

As usual, I am behind in my posts.  This post I am way behind in.  I signed up for the Pagan Reading Challenge at the end of January and am just now doing my post about this challenge.  I'm sorry, I've been reading a lot and that thing called life keeps getting in the way.

So, here is my Pagan Reading Challenge post.  I am going for the Goddess leve which is 41+ books.  I don't really see that as being too much of a problem for me, because I do read voraciously.  I've actually already read many of the books on the list, I will bold the books as I read them.  Of course as the year progresses, I will be adding books to the list. 

So, here is my list of books to read for the 2012 Pagan Reading Challenge:

By Charlaine Harris
Dead Until Dark
Living Dead in Dallas
Club Dead
Dead to the World
Dead as A Doornail
Definitely Dead
All Together Dead
From Dead to Worse
Dead and Gone
Dead in The Family
Dead Reckoning
Must Love Hellhounds (Anthology)
Home Improvement Undead Edition (Anthology)

Druidry and Meditation by Nimue Brown
The Mythic Path by David Feinstien PH.D & Stanley Krippner, Ph.D
The Sevenfold Journey by Anodea Judith and Selene Vega
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield
Diary of A Witch by Sybil Leek
Norse Magic D.J. Conway
Celtic Magic D.J. Conway

I love that as I read most of the nonfiction books something in each one seems to pique my interest and leads to new books that I am hoping I can find to add to the list. 

Reading Diary of a Witch has actually sparked an interest in the history and life of Alaister Crowley so I will be adding a biography of him to my list shortly, along with books on fairies, runes and astrology.   We'll see what other interests pop up during the year.

Blessed Be!

Pets

I don't really have a lot weighing on my mind this week, some say that's good with such a little mind LOL, but one thing I've noticed is that my pets never fail to cheer me up.  Even when they're driving me crazy.

They love me always, and even though they are cats they come when I call them (though this seems to be my special gift, all my cats have always come when I called them), and they greet me at the door when I get home.  It doesn't matter if I just went to the store for soda, or if I've been gone all night for work.  They are both waiting at the door for me when I get home to say hi.

When I am tired, or stressed, or in pain, they always seem to know the right thing to do.  Silva is my snuggler, she will just come curl up next to me or on my chest, she always seems to know which one I need most.  And Googles, Googles is my healer.  I swear, whenever I'm in pain he is trying to lay his paws on me.  If I have a headache, he puts his paws on my head, when its my back, he will wait til I roll onto my side or stomach and rest his paws right where the pain is. 

Sometimes, especially with the headaches, the little Googles touch can make the pain go away.  Even when it doesn't just knowing that he is trying always makes me feel better.

The great thing about pets is they love you no matter what.  If I'm cranky and push them away they just come back in a few minutes, still full of love, never mad, never holding a grudge.

And they have been priceless to me in some of my down times when the idea of buying a bottle has seemed pretty appealing.   They just know I'm in a bad place and curl up next to me purring.   Googles even stops picking on his much older and much smaller sister when I'm that down and will even just curl up next to her.  Silva lets him do this without hissing, but  only at those times that they know I need double kitty understanding.

So today, my little friends get a shout out and their due credit for helping me stay sober and for helping to keep me as sane as possible. You can't blame them for my insanity-they're only 2 little cats, though they try!lol

Blessed Be!

F for Fate-Pagan Blog Project

I think this has always been one of the big issues in any belief system.  What is meant  to be and what do we have free choice over?

I remember as a child, attending Catholic religious education classes, being asked what God did and saying that He ruled and controlled all the activities in the world.  I was very young, 7 or 8, and my teacher told me that was wrong, that we have free will.  This teacher could not explain, however, if we have free will, then why does everything follow God's plan?  Looking back, it was probably when I really began to question my early childhood faith.

Since then, I've wondered about this question often.  I know there are some things in life that simply are and that do not change.  I was born an alcoholic and I will always be one.  I was also born short, always gonna be that too!!  Therefore, I have to believe some things are fated in life and it is our response to those things that we determine.

For example, John Walsh was fated to lose his son Adam.  He lost him to an abduction and murder and he became an anti-crime crusader.  Had he lost the child to a drunk driver, it may have been him behind the anti-drunk driving movement founded by Candy Lightner.  Likewise, Ms Lightner was fated to lose her child, Cari.  Had she lost the child in another way, she would have become an advocate for that cause.  The examples are endless, especially when it is parents motivated by the loss of a child.

Please understand everything in this blog is MY belief only.  I am by no means saying that anyone deserves to lose a child, I am merely saying that sometimes things are meant to be, through no fault of our own.

What we have control over is how we respond to these things.  In both of these, and in countless other examples, the parents rose above their grief and tried to better the world.   Others retreat into grief, while still others find a way to carry on with their daily lives and that is enough.  Sometimes, the examples set by someone, no matter how good or bad, can influence someone else greatly.

A person suffering from severe depression, thinking of suicide,  who gets treatment after watching a parent go on after losing a child.  A niece or nephew who watches a relative fall apart in grief and never recover, who goes on to become a psychiatrist and help others deal with their emotional issues.

Of course, fate plays out on a large scale too.  Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, September 11th, I firmly believe all these events and so many others, were meant to happen.  Again, it is the response to these events that we have control over and that we should attempt to influence to their best possible outcome.

Pearl Harbor led the U.S. to join WW2 and help defeat the Axis nations, overall  a good thing.  The Holocaust led to Israel becoming a country, a good thing,  but it has not led to the end of genocide. 

As Pagans we have a much better understanding of the interconnectedness of the world than most people do.  We understand how all things work together, often in unseen ways and that disturbing or destroying any one thing influences us all.

My belief is that we should not tilt at the windmills of fate, but there is nothing that says we can't find a way around them.  We can't stop someone from getting sick, and we may not always be able to heal them.  But we can most certainly make their illness less debilitating, diminish their pain, and give them moments of comfort, sometimes even joy.

That to me is where being Pagan meets Fate: I can't beat Fate but I can do a nice end run and make things at least a little better than they would have been without me.

Flexibility

One thing I've gotten very good at in sobriety is rolling with the punches.  Very frequently, life does not go my way.  That's okay, it doesn't have to, and I really, really get that now!

Life not going my way was never really an excuse for me to drink.  I may have occasionally paid it lip service but most of the time I was honest enough about my drinking to know that it was because I'm a drunk and for no other reason that I drank.  I wanted to not exist, and if I drank enough I blacked out and/or passed out which was as close as I could get to not existing.

I have since realized though, that even though I knew it wasn't all about me when I was drinking, I didn't really get it.  I would say I understood, but inside, I was upset.  I knew in my head that when things didn't go my way, that was because sometimes things  happened or changed, but in my heart, it was because I didn't deserve things to go well.

If a doctor ran late for an appointment, though in my head I knew he probably was held up by an emergency with another patient, in my heart, it was because NOTHING ever went right for poor, poor little me.  If I couldn't find something I was looking for at the store, or if they had sold out, sure enough, it was because NOTHING ever went right for poor, poor little me.  You get the idea.

Now, I really did know in my head that none of it was about me, but in my heart, it was all poor, pitiful me, who nothing ever went right for.

These days, I am very happy to say that I am pretty much over that.  Now when someone is running late, when I can't find the color yarn I want at the store, when my relief is late for work, I just accept that sometimes these things happen.  And I'm not just accepting it in my head,  I am totally accepting it in my heart too.  It doesn't even cross my mind these days that its happening to poor, poor me.

Now don't get me wrong, I may still get flashes of irritation with some things, especially if it is a recurring issue.  But even then I try to understand the flip side.  If someone is always late relieving me at work, I'm not as upset if I know they are just always late and its not only when I work.

 One friend is always willing to help me out with rides but constantly changes things after committing.   I have come to accept that this is simply the way this person is, and I am grateful for the help that they can give me.
I have learned to always have back up plans with this person, so that if we can't run all the errands I had planned on, I can at least get the most necessary things done.

I realize that everyone has commitments and opportunities that come up and sometimes we all change plans to accommodate these things.  It is truly refreshing though to realize that even when things don't go my way, I'm still NO'T poor, poor little me.  I am a strong woman and a recovering alcoholic and I can handle a few bumps in the road of my life with scarcely a blink!

Blessed Be!