Daily Struggles

Lately, I seem to be struggling a lot.  Not necessarily to stay sober, drinking hasn't really been on the front burner as an option, but just in getting through some days.

I have found myself more often lately reverting back to what I consider my drinking mindset.  You know the one, where every time something doesn't go your way, or someone says something remotely negative to you, its because the whole world is wrong and just trying to annoy you!!

Fortunately, I still have plenty of self-awareness and I know that I am being totally unreasonable when I have these thoughts..  Doesn't stop me from having them, but it at least keeps me from acting on them.  Though I did frequently give in to the urge to just stare mindlessly at the TV or to read some total fluff novels instead of cooking, crafting, cleaning, meditating, grounding, talking to someone,  you know, all those productive things that would have helped me feel better also.   And would have helped me feel better a lot longer than just losing myself in a story.  (On the plus side I got several books read for the Pagan Reading Challenge!)

And not acting on these thoughts is probably most of the reason why there were no posts last week.  Instead of doing something to get rid of the negativity ( I know bad, bad pagan~ no grounding, no meditating) I just kept stuffing it, and ended up with a migraine for most of the week.  I barely made it to my full-time job.  Doing anything beyond that and laying in bed all week, I was just in too much pain for.

By Friday, I was brought back to reality in that it SO is not all about me.  I have a 17+ year old cat, Silva.   She is my love and has been having some old age health issues.  I really thought I was losing her at the end of last week and that grief was apparently cathartic.  My concern, love and grief for her not only purged my migraine but also my mindset.  

Beginning this weekend, I have found myself much more energized and focused, without that restless feeling, that nonstop irritability, and sense of impending doom that was making my days so hard to get through.  I started cooking some of the food I had put in the freezer because it was too much trouble to cook.  Cooking has always been very relaxing for me, it is probably my favorite way to ground myself.

Now, in the spirit of what has worked so far in keeping me sober, last week is last week.  This is a whole new week and a whole new opportunity to do better.  I will spend more time with friends, even if only by phone or Facebook, I will meditate and ground at least daily,  I will do what I have to do (cleaning my apartment) and what I love to do (more cooking and crafting).  Basically I will live my life with more balance, at least until the next time.

By the way, Silva is doing much better and is actually the focus of my very late E post for the Pagan Blog Project. That will post tomorrow.

Blessed Be!