Friday, February 3, 2012

Old Behaviors-Sometimes in New Guises

I know we are all told in recovery that we have to watch out for old behaviors-we all know the big ones, lying, evading, keeping things to ourselves.  But what about the everyday ones, the ones that we don't even notice we are doing?

For myself, part of this behavior comes from my depression.  I tend to withdraw, and I don't mean just to be quiet.  I mean not leaving my apartment or getting out of bed for days sometimes.  When drinking, I would only leave to get more booze, and then only if I couldn't get it delivered.  Hell, I used to order subs from one shop because I knew the driver and he'd bring me a bottle with my order!!

I still find myself doing this, wanting to just withdraw from the world.  There are still many days that I want to call in sick to work and just stay in bed, or not even call, to just pull the covers up over my head and disappear.   Fortunately, I am aware of the consequences of such actions and force my butt to get up and go to work daily.  I'm not so good about forcing myself to leave the apartment on my days off though. 

I also work a job from home and am really having to make an effort to get myself online to work more than sporadically.  So, I now email my customers a schedule of when I'll be available to force myself to get up and function. 

This same principle can apply to any behavior.  The person who drives through the old neighborhood where they used to score drugs on their way to/home from the store, work, wherever.  Especially when there are other routes that really are not that far out of the way. 

One of the ways I can tell I need to focus on my sobriety is if I find myself noticing the bars in the area.  I walk quite a bit, I don't drive, so I am always walking to run errands.  I also live in an urban area where there are a lot of bars. The days I find myself noticing them, or thinking it would be okay to stop in to get an order of potato skins, that I can get just as easily right down the street at a restaurant that is NOT a bar, are the days I know I need to spend some time working on myself.

I find it very easy sometimes to tell myself I am just being aware of my surroundings when I notice the new bars opening.  What a load of crap!  Its my disease trying to subtly  ease its way back into my life.  I can be aware of a business without having to stare into it or think about stopping in.  After all, I'm aware of the new smoke shops and pawn shops that open up but I never think of going in to check them out!!

None of us can stop our disease from trying to worm its way back into our lives, but by being aware of our actions, even if it means constantly asking ourselves why am I going this way? doing this thing? speaking to this person? we can prevent it from becoming a part of our lives again.


  1. Wow, Teresa this even after so long in recovery, I feel for you, if you ever need to talk Im here, and with the same disease, so I do understand, and you are not alone in those feelings. Wonderful blog, and will share forward. Your an amazing women, and just keep up the works. Love and Light Kandy

  2. Thank-you Kandy, and that's one of the things about the disease, you always have to be aware. I know one gentleman, who around his 20 year sober anniversary, thought to himself, "20 years, that is something to celebrate". He was at the door to the bar, walking in to have a drink, and realized what he was doing. Like he said, its not that I was even thinking about drinking, it was totally subconscioous.
    We just always hsve to be aware of why we're doing what we're doing.
    Blessed Be!!

  3. I would like to get in touch with you actually about the pagan 13 steps,, I wanted to know if I can could incorporate them into one of my blogs,, linked back to you of course, and as well in Hope and Recovery on facebook, also linked to you. I love them, and in fact am using them on a daily basis. Blessed Be, and let me know.

    1. Kandy, I'm so glad you found me on Facebook. And of course, feel free to use anything I post. The only thing I would ever ask you not to use, would be if I sent you a personal message, anything within that I know you wouldn't share without permission. Blessed Be!

  4. Knowing is the first step to recovery.
    Focus and committment are good tools to arm onesself in a continuing battle against adversity.
    Friends are allies of support - and while you have those in body and/or spirit there will be hope and resolution
    Blessed Be